Hey, everybody! Sorry about being MIA for this long, but as you already know, spare time is at a premium these days. In case you were wondering, I am feeling MUCH better, but as soon as I started feeling better, my voice went out. So, now I sound like Louis Armstrong on a bad day. Such is life. It certainly makes singing interesting. I lip-synced for Mozart's birthday last night. I don't think he minded, but I felt like a baffoon! It actually went pretty well, but I did notice at one point that I was breathing while holding a sustained note......hope no one else did! ;-)
Also, let me send kudos to Amber for making me laugh the other day with her last comment. She noticed what I had forgotten some time ago...that I posted a song by Seth Thomas in the music player just to see how long it would take for Seth to realize it.
You'll notice that he has yet to say anything. Hee hee hee. SETH!!!!! You''re music is once again on the internet for all the world to hear! This is my revenge for your NEVER LETTING ME HEAR THE CD YOU MADE FOR YOUR MOM!!!!!!
Back on topic. So, this has been one interesting week. A lot has been going on with me lately and I really wanted someone to talk to. Unfortunately, I don't really have anyone that would understand my thoughts. I know everyone says that when they come across confusion, but it's true. I apologize if anyone is hurt that I didn't feel I could talk to them.
Anyway, to remedy the situation, I figured that I would just tell the whole story to everyone all at once. So here we go.
Where to start, where to start. Let's start with High School Musical since I have already told you a little about my newest favorite movie. You know, I told you that I couldn't figure out why I loved that silly movie so much. I think I get it now. See, to begin with, it IS a good movie (I made Diana watch it for verification), but more than that, it hit me really hard. Have you ever seen a movie or a play or read a book that spoke to you on a personal level? The thing is, watching two characters step out against the wishes of their friends and try their hand at something new serves to remind me that I never did it. I am not a risk taker in any shape form or fashion. It is in my nature to take the safe road. I have never been able to just step out against the flow unless I knew that there was at least a good chance I would be successful. Now I am forced to wonder how many opportunities I passed because I didn't want to take the chance.
Beyond that, High School Musical and the behind-the-scenes stuff in particular brought flooding back all the memories of my own time spent doing musicals and plays in high school. I loved it. In fact, I can't remember a time when I was happier. Since then, I have been in choirs, gone on choir tours, and watched roomfulls of children learn to sing and put on a musical of their own, but nothing gives me the same joy. I think this is what it feels like when the wall of things you try to convince yourself of comes crashing down.
Oh, but that's not all that's running around in my brain...allow me to continue...
So, I am sitting on the couch on Sunday night working on homework for my theory class when, all of sudden, I find myself crying.
In case you were wondering, that is not me at all! I am not the overly emotional type. But I was just sitting there talking to God and for five minutes, all I could say was, "I hate it, I hate it, I hate, I hate it." Hahahahaha. Don't you love the melodramatic moments in your life when you feel like you are sitting in your own personal WB drama?
So anyway, the truth comes out. I hate it. The music program, that is. It's been three weeks and I hate it. I know what you might be thinking, "You just had a bad week and you're freaking out." Well, I've got you beat, because that thought nags at me even now. That's why I am not flying off the handle and dropping out of school or anything. If these feelings are a fluke, then they will fade in time.
But what if they don't. I've been frustrated with school before. I've hated classes. I've hated teachers. But none of that is true now. The classes are fine (I even enjoy most of them), the teachers are GREAT, and everything seems to be going well. So I can't find any single reason for me to hate it so much. But I do. Enough that I went to meet with my old (i.e. non-music school) advisor a few days ago. I transferred 54 hours when I transferred to Baylor and I wanted to see what my other options were. A music degree means another three years before I can graduate and while I am not ruling it out, at the moment, I can't see myself doing this for another three years. So, I went to find out what my other options are. Other degrees plans could be finished in two years, sometimes less.
I'm not saying that I am switching majors again, but it made me feel better to know that there are other options out there. If at the end of this semester, my feelings haven't changed, then my major will. Not sure what yet, but I am looking at some other possibilities. There are just so many things that I want to do. I hate this part of life where I have to pick how I will spend the rest of my days. I HATE IT!!! I hate the fact that we have to be tied down. I know, I know. "You can always change your mind and do something later. Look at me! This is not where I thought I would be after college!"
See? Is it freaky how well I know you? I am like TOTALLY psychic.
The truth of the matter is, I am praying non-stop that God will show me where he wants me to be. I know that this is just another step. God has often worked in obvious ways in my life, so I am praying that he will do so again now. And, honestly, I am praying that his path will take me into acting. Haha. Pipe dream, right? No arguments, please. Believe me, every single thing you're thinking right now...Well, I am fighting with it. "No one makes it in Hollywood. They are called 'Starving Actors' for a reason. It's irresponsible to run after a flight of fancy."
I know, I know, I know, I know. Really, it's stupid. But, I don't think I can ever be content unless I try. So, after I graduate....from whatever field I ultimately choose, I'm leaving for a while. I want to know that I gave it my best and I worked to fufill my dreams. God will use me wherever he leads me, but the atmosphere in the acting world is one that is continually heading down. Depravity is running rampant. And sadly, though television shows and movies rarely show reality, the beliefs of Hollywood are rubbing off on our society. We love their stories. We love getting swept away in a celebrity world. I want God to use me there. I want to change the way celebrities portray a full-life. So, I am going to give it a shot. Crazy, am I? Perhaps. But we'll see.
Alright, let's sum up. Here's the game plan.
1. Finish this semester and decide if the music track is the right place for me.
2. Spend the next years finishing the scripts I have been working on...see if anybody thinks they're any good.
3. Graduate and see where God takes me...hopefully toward a career in acting.
Wow, I just realized how cheesy this looks. Know what? I don't care. It's time I was honest. No more compromising for something less that what I want. Watch out world, brand spanking new Jason is here to stay!
Oh! And I do mean brand spanking new. I went to the doctor last week for my URI, and would you like to know what I found out? In addition to the ability to laugh without coughing, I also lost twenty pounds! We all know exercizing is not my thing, so Baylor life must agree with me. Woo hoo! OH! And my blood pressure was down to normal. That's good too, in case you didn't know.
So, I think that's everything. Longest post I've ever written, but I figured I should tell you the whole story if I was going to tell you any of it. I am not normally one to ask for prayer, but I would appreciate your thoughts while I muddle through this new fun phase of existence. I feel good now, too. Don't think that I am still wallowing in unhappiness. Actually, after writing it all down and finally seeing my game plan in black and white...I fell more peaceful about it.
Maybe this will all pass.
But maybe things are changing........
